Searching

Eudaimonia Tip # 5 – Keep searching for your motivation, it’s the key to your future

The brief visit we had of the cooler, rainy weather was a nice reprieve from the  scorching heat that ushered in September. As usual, the weeks in September, if not days, give us a variety of temperatures here in the Midwest. We are officially back to summer-like conditions, at least for a few days, with sunshine and warmth showering down from the heavens. I appreciate the clear blue sky’s, I do, but it doesn’t reflect my mood very well. I keep looking at the weather to see when the temps will drop again, and I’m excited I don’t have that long to wait.

Part of wanting fall to arrive officially is related to wanting to stay indoors and not feel guilty when it’s a beautiful day outside. I’m struggling to find my inspiration or motivation. The detox helped for a few days, and I’ve been eating clean for the last two weeks, keeping away from all of my trigger foods, but I seem to be in a bit of a funk. Is this just a funk, or a bit of depression creeping in for good measure?  

I sleep and eat. I work. I run errands. I shower. I clean and take Friday for small walks around the neighborhood, but the idea of having a grand plan to accomplish anything significant is just exhausting. I’m not surprised I’m here, as a year ago I thought I would have three extra people living in my house by now. Instead, I find two adorable kitten-cats (they are seven months old this week) keeping me entertained and company along with my adorable pooch.

I don’t think you can go through a traumatic experience like being caught in the ripple effect of a loved one’s suicide and go back to being the same person you once were. I remember standing in the front pew of the church the day of the funeral service and feeling every fiber in my body changing as if my DNA was altered somehow. I know, it sounds dramatic, but death is dramatic. Suicide is dramatic, and the ripple effect suicide has on the ones left behind is DRAMATIC!

I’m attending a suicide support group. It’s a good group so far, and the facilitators are great in guiding us all trough gradually telling our story as the weeks unfold. During the last session, someone made a comment that had us all nodding our heads in agreement. The fact is, our loved ones were suffering and are now at peace, but the survivors are now the ones suffering searching for peace.

Have you ever searched for something? I mean, really searched for a long time for something or an answer to something? It’s downright exhausting! So many questions to ask and answers to ponder. So many variables to weight and either discard or accept. The point is that searching for something requires a lot of energy, and the more emotional the search, the more energy is required.

I’ve come to understand that searching for answers never stops, it just shifts perspectives. In the beginning, I searched and found the answer to “why” Sam did what he did. There is little comfort in learning the truth about someone you thought you knew. While there is nothing I can do to change the past, there is a lot I can do to ensure my future no matter how much energy is required.  

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