The Optimistic Pessimist

Eudaimonia Tip #2 – Accept where life has taken you, but by no means

stay where you are.

It’s a strange feeling. When you are touched by the death of someone close the world takes on a whole new look; the wind feels different, the sun is more intense, the rain that much more solemn. It’s as if your senses are doubled like you are touching these elements of life not only for yourself but also for the one who isn’t here anymore.

My boyfriend was my first real major loss in life. I never knew my grandfather’s, as they passed before I was born, and by the grace of God both of my grandmothers are still living. One is about to turn 99 on August 8th! The other is the spry young age of 96. I am also blessed to have both of my parents still. I’ve known great aunts and uncles who have passed, but they were not in my daily life as my boyfriend. We had plans of moving in together this year and even talked about getting engaged at some point. I secretly hoped he would pop the question at the end of summer as it would make the perfect trifecta of graduate, birthday, engaged… not necessarily in that order. At least I am getting two out of three.

Perhaps marriage isn’t in the plan for me. It’s certainly something I’ve thought I wanted, I mean I don’t want to die alone, but I was never that girl that dreamt of an elaborate white wedding with a big poofy dress to boot. Come to think of it I never really fantasized about my wedding. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing, but perhaps I never felt that I would find that one person out of a few billion who would choose to love me, and only me (and vice versa) for the rest of our lives.

Then there is the dangerous part of love. The part where you meet someone and hit it off and then that dopey love drug kicks in and no matter what they say (or don’t say) you think they are gold! That life is amazing that you’ll raise a bunch of puppies, paint rainbows in the sky and grow a garden of daisies. The world is an open realm of possibilities when you are on the love drug.

And then your love drug wears off, and your relationship hits a hidden ice burg, and before you can realize what just happened, you are frantically swimming to find anything to grab to stay afloat.

The juxtaposition of my boyfriend not being on this planet any more to call, talk to, see, touch, smell, plan, and hope with combined with the anger I have at him for the way he conducted his life is pretty unusual pairing to carry. If things went as planned, we would be spending our weekends at the new Menards that opened up only thirty minutes from my house.  People, he LOVED Menards!

But things didn’t go as planned.

Someone once told me that I’m a pessimist, as I am always on guard waiting for something to go wrong. I was initially shocked to hear these words aimed in my direction, but the more I thought about my, well, thoughts it made sense… Hell yeah, I’m a pessimist, but I’m the most optimistic pessimist that I know.

I call this being a realist. I refuse to live in a world where I think everything is perfect and will always be perfect. I believe in the power of being positive, but I also believe that it should be balanced with the right amount of awarness that life does not always go as planned.  I would rather be prepared for disaster than taken by surprise.

I will say this, losing my boyfriend was not expected. The life I am now faced to live, the emotions I have to deal with in the manner of his departure, not expected. But what I do expect is to keep moving forward no matter what life throws at me. It’s understanding that when something goes wrong in life, big or small, anticipated or not, the best response is a humble one, but not a stagnant one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.